oh X-mas...

It's my fourth day enduring my chosen vocation of doing nothing. Surprisingly this day is rather full. My main focus started off as packing for the next week and cleaning my apartment. I also got my car tuned up for the upcoming ROAD TRIP! (I think I'll make that a link to a future post about said road trip.) But someone threw a wrench in the gears. That someone was me. I was in Target yesterday buying D&L's wedding gift (the only thing available that they registered for) along with plastic to cover the windows in my poorly-insulated attic, when I stumbled into a winter wonderland between electronics and home improvement. While browsing through my eyes fell upon a fantastically cheap X-mas tree. It's somewhere between Charlie Brown's and the one in Rockefeller Center, and it suits me just fine. Today, I simply couldn't resist setting it up. It's the first time that I've had my very own Christmas tree, and the novelty was just too much to let wait. Normally I frown upon those who set up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving, but I won't be back in my apartment until the day after Thanksgiving, so I figure I've justified myself. Unfortunately I don't have a working digital camera, so I can't show you what it looks like. But I'm posting this in the middle of working on it, so I couldn't show you the finished product anyway. Just rest assured that it's relatively awesome in a mundanely domestic sense, and that it makes me very happy.

Surprisingly, I don't even think about zombies that often...

My big thing with zombie movies is that I think society would be better at handling the situation than movies give them credit. There are some glaringly obvious moments of suspension of disbelief that reign the zombie movie genre. 1: Don't Get Bit Seriously. How hard is it to keep a slow-moving decaying old guy with googlie eyes from touching you WITH HIS FACE? Obviously, this would happen to many people. It’s not the kind of thing the average person is prepared for. But everyone? I don’t think so. 2: An epidemic, to be sure. But really, how long would it take for the world to be completely overrun? Night falls. Everything’s normal. The next morning, you’re one of the seven remaining humans on the continent. I think it would take a little more than 10 hours for this type of apocalypse. Especially taking into account point #1. This is why I like the movie 28 Days Later. The disease doesn’t depend solely on people getting bitten/killed. It spreads more like hepatitis. If people with hepatitis were uber-violent, a lot more people would have it. It also shows that it took (a few less than) 28 days for things to get really bad. It didn’t bother trying to convince us that the world was destroyed in a matter of hours by tottering corpses. On the contrary, these guys are wicked fast. And it still took them a while. It also only happens in England, a nicely secluded (albeit large) island. Australia would have also been acceptable. The only downside is that the monsters in 28 Days Later are not zombies. They’re just hysterically angry people with poor communication skills. 3. Would it be that hard to hide from a zombie? Shaun of the Dead also has a refreshing look at zombies. Particularly the scene where they get through a crowd of zombies simply by acting like them. But Shaun isn’t really a zombie movie either. It’s a zombie movie parody. A brilliant parody, but a parody nonetheless. It would be very easy to elude a zombie because they’re not that smart. Cover yourself with something dead and stinky and move very slowly. As long as they don’t sense livelicious body heat they should leave you alone. 4. Why don’t zombies attack each other? They’re positively made of time. Why not? All they do is mill around until somebody does something stupid. Then they tear them apart only to go back to milling, rotting and stinking shortly thereafter. If not each other, at least animals. Sure we all love Scruff the harrowing wondermut, but letting him trot around unscathed is hard to accept. Why wouldn’t zombies be interested in animals? They’re just as warm and gooey/crunchy/chewy as people. Plus that would make for a better variety of danger (aka entertainment). How long would it take the world to be overrun by zombies if there were undead rotweilers chasing everybody around? Or if zombies got in a zoo: pythons, tigers, monkeys and newly land-mobile piranhas and sharks! All this is to say that the zombie movie genre is a thoroughly well-worn territory. Unless something drastically new is done or newly parodied, I’m done watching them. However, I think a television series would be acceptable. I think I’ll call it Era of the Dead. I’ll get dude’s permission to steal from the Night/Dawn/Day thing. In Era, zombie invasion will have time to develop in a more natural time frame. Incorporating animals in the mix would add a delightful peppering of “monster-of-the-week” throughout the series. And Era would be sure to end in no more than three seasons, promising not to stray from its primary vision, maintaining thematic integrity. Season one – the world is slowly going down the crapchute. We get attached to a large Firefly-like cast among a larger LOST-like cast and won’t have to anticipate losing anyone [important] until season 3. The main objective is to stay alive (duh) and to scrape together what is left of humanity and find sanctuary from the zombies. Season Two – there is a system in place to keep civilization safe from zombiedom. Weekly episodes focus on character development and intermittent break-ins from zombies or break-outs from headstrong teenagers. People with new-found political power become the real bad guys. They’ll probably have a bad plan like world-wide nuclear annihilation. The system collapses in the season finale; it’s a bittersweet victory for our heroes because they’ve destroyed the human monsters (all eaten by zombies or some other ironic demise) but now have to face the zombie world with literally no hope of survival. Season Three – (This could also be wrapped up as a shorter season, mini-series or a movie) The world now resembles what happens so quickly in zombie movies. The main characters can even end up in a shopping mall if they do it right. Now that we truly love our brilliantly assembled/balanced cast, we can agonize over each of their deaths. But it’s okay because they’ve had time to come to terms with themselves and each other. To add an extra pang of emotion, they’ll discover that the bad guys from season two had actually developed a cure, but it was lost with them. This is how a zombie movie always ends: the world is over. All is lost. The End. But when you have 30 or so hours to develop that narrative instead of 2, you have yourself a great story and not just an inappropriately funny gore fest. Era of the Dead would have to go to Showtime or HBO. Sci-Fi (bless their hearts, they’ve tried their best with Battlestar Galactica) wouldn’t be able to capture the humanity of it. And it would be far too gory for network TV (don’t assume a great story line could ever completely take the place of high-budget violence!). Yes, a prime channel is the way to go. Then it can be sold on DVD for outrageous amounts of money. I can’t believe I just spent this much time/thought/energy on zombies. I blame Travis. If someone rips off Era, I might not even mind because I’m kinda tired of thinking about it. But I won’t be too tired to sue.

I have so much freaking time on my hands!

Since I quit my job I’ve had absolutely nothing to do. Actually I have plenty to do, but I don’t feel like leaving my house today. So I’ve been researching various anagrams. My new favorite pastime. First, of course, I anagrammed myself. Since my usual name yielded sparse results (Tiring Yelp was the best), I decided to use my real name, and I got the following: Peeling Alumni – Remember that time we had Homecoming in July? Penile Mauling – There were several comments for this one floating around in my head. Let’s just say that my judgment couldn’t allow any of them to linger. But the anagram was still too good to pass up. Penile Mail Gun – Could come in handy if I ever become a postman in a nudist colony. And it’s always been a small goal of mine have the word, ‘penile’ twice in one paragraph. Huzzah! Maple Linguine – You can’t know you hate it until you’ve tried it. Obviously I couldn’t stop after my own name. So I started off with a friend who I spoke with while I was in Grove City last weekend. You know who you are. You tried to anagram by yourself, but it took me mere moments to find a veritable plethora of humor: A Hornlike Eatery / Hokey Arena Tiler / Reheat Leaky Iron / Holy Rake Trainee / Royal Tree Hankie / A Real Inky Hetero Some other friends (answers below): Obtained Lofty Growl / Flow’ry Debating Tool / Writ Fabled Ontology Dalmatian Chins / Mini Hat Scandal / Damn Satan Chili Windmill Arias / Arid Mini Walls / Mild Raisin Law Anal Dawdlers / New Lard Salad Beneath Her Malt / M… then Herbal Tea Ant Paradise / Irate Pandas / Pasta Rained / Nad Parasite Hot Malt Man (oddly suited) Maniac Imitator Chin Nostril Man Itinerary / Yearn Martini / In Main Artery Recently a Parka / Try Real Pancake / Yak Trap Cleaner Damn Rash Its Slimy Hand Tear Phrases Jaded Smut Also, Tom Riddle had a few other options besides, “I am Lord Voldemort.” Divide Mom or a Troll Drilled a Vomit Room Just to name a couple. J.K. Rowling wasn’t really on top of her game. Seriously, woman. End Note: I clearly got these ideas from the Cap’n. But to be fair, he left out his best anagram, possibly the greatest anagram of all: Congrats, Hitler! Answers: Brittany, Caitlin, Randi, Allan, Beth, Diana, Matt, Monica, Chris, Rainey, Kayla, Dan, Lindsay, Sarah, and James

Atmosphere

I quit my job this morning. I don’t think anybody even knows about my job that I quit. The last time I talked about work I felt like I was at the Cleveland Playhouse or something… For the record, that’s true again. I’ll be starting on A Christmas Story after Thanksgiving. Exciting times. But let me fill you in on the job I quit. I don’t know how many of you have ever worked in sales. Most of the people reading this have gone a fair ways in higher education, so I assume you haven’t. I’ve been told that what I’m about to describe to you is fairly common among such companies, but that doesn’t make this past month any easier to accept as reality. Shall we start at the beginning? Great. I was done with Rabbit Hole at the Playhouse, and they were interested in signing me up for R.F.K., a one-man-show about that other Kennedy. I was excited to do so and told them that my only conflict was a wedding (THIS WEEKEND!!!). They told me that if I couldn’t make all the performances I couldn’t be contracted for the show at all. So I went a-job hunting. The company that I ended up working for is very much in sales. Half of the office deals with Quill, the company that owns Staples. The other half of the office works for AT&T, which is where I come in. Basically, it’s been my job to go door to door and help small businesses with their phone/internet bills. I lock them into a better plan; they save money; AT&T is guaranteed their business for another three years. Everybody wins. But of course you run into people who think you’re selling something, who curse and spit at you, and who in some cases throw you bodily from their place of business. I drove an hour and a half past Akron to my territory every day to start walking. I put about 170 miles on my car every day and was not reimbursed for gas. I left my house at 6:30 every morning and didn’t return until 7:00 every evening. On an average day I made about $60. It sucked. Not to mention that our paychecks were offset two weeks (to make sure the paperwork went through) so I worked three weeks before even getting my first paycheck. There were also three days where I sat at AT&T’s main headquarters in downtown Cleveland with no compensation. Why did I do this? It was the only job available at the time, and I figured if it went well, I could eventually make some serious money. There is much room for advancement in the company. For instance, I had already been promoted a week ago. The goal is to learn the sales, then you’re promoted to teach sales to other people. After you’ve trained enough people you get to learn how to run the office. After you learn the inner workings of that office, you relocate and start your own, effectively running your own business. When your office starts enough new branches you’re promoted to consultant. And from there you become a god. This all happens in approximately five years. No experience necessary. Nor is a degree. Chart it all out and it forms kind of a triangle-shaped structure… But by running your own company and consulting and all that, it basically becomes your job to keep people like me working for you. People who are toying with the thought of selling their souls for the promise of money and independence. I gave it about a month, and decided it wasn’t for me. But the best part is completely separate from the structure of the company and the pathetic salary I was pulling. (Some people are making very good money) The best part is ‘Atmosphere.’ Atmosphere is a room in the office. It’s a tiny office: there’s the foyer, the break room, the filing room, the two managers’ offices, and… Atmosphere. Each day begins and ends in Atmosphere. Atmosphere is much like any ordinary room, but with key distinguishing features: dry-erase boards, motivational posters, a wall-mounted stereo, and poorly assembled drum set (we’ll get to that later.) My first day on the job they ushered me into Atmosphere, where the first thing I heard was unmistakably “Eye of the Tiger” blaring from the wall. That’s right. “Eye of the Tiger.” Everyone was practicing on each other how they would present themselves the rest of the day. By itself, this is not odd. It was actually beneficial to get those first few flubs out of the way before you made an ass of yourself when you were actually working. Sure, there were cheesy posters and blaring 80’s rock, but it still made sense. Then the music is turned off (Well, down. But by then you can’t hear much anyway) and the manager comes out with a clip board: “Alright we got a long list of high rollers this morning!” Everyone starts clapping. He continues: “Alright we got a guy.” Everyone repeats in unison, “WE GOT A GUY!” “This guy had a kick-ass day yesterday. Let’s give it up for Ted!” Everybody claps some more until Ted steps forward and cuts them off. Then he goes into a formulated 37-second speech about one of our sales techniques and how if we use it effectively it’ll get us to our goals. Everybody claps some more. The boss says, “We got a girl!” Everyone repeats, “WE GOT A GIRL!” And the phrases ‘kick-ass’ and ‘give it up for’ are repeated many times buffered by applause and mechanical speeches from virtually everyone in the room. For the sake of the story, let’s say they’re all named ‘Ted.’ There are also exchanges like, “Hey guys!” “HEY WHAT!” Or, “What time is it?” “SHOWTIME!” You’re in Atmosphere for about an hour every morning. Then you drive out into the field and work. At 5:30pm, everyone has to return to the office for Evening Atmosphere. Here it’s different. There aren’t any speeches. You walk in (“Eye of the Tiger”) and everyone is pretty much just chatting away, talking to new people about how their day went, etc. Until suddenly you hear a strange percussive noise. It’s a bell from the corner with the crappy drum set. You see, in the office there is a non-verbal way of bragging so that no one is actually talking about how much money they made that day. Instead, there is in place a system of noise-making to let everyone know that you either made a certain amount of money or a certain number of sales. These noises include but are not limited to a bell, a gong, banging on the wall, shaking a jug of markers, and (of course) a cowbell. Not only does everyone make their celebratory noise, but they also go around the room and high-five everyone present. It takes a while. Better than my first day through this experience was watching new people on their first day. I stared at them and relished the poorly repressed astonishment in their eyes. I savored the flushed faces of those who don’t quite accept what was happening. Truly, Atmosphere was the only thing that kept me there that long. If I ever go to a magical place that has a Room of Requirement, I’d make it Atmosphere at least twice a day. As it is, I’m going back to the theatre. But I’m taking the cowbell with me.

Performancing

I seriously have so many things to talk about.  I recently downloaded Performancing.  Perhaps it will prompt me to share. powered by performancing firefox